In response to earlier posts:

I have appeared sad.

But let it be known:


I am happy.

Really, truly, happy.


And it feels great.

:)

Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence

One of favorite people stopped by my house today.

She showed me a talk.

And while I still have pain, I also have peace.

[Here are some highlights from Jeffery R. Holland's talk, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"]

"I wish to encourage every one of us regarding the opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose...The reminder is that we cannot sign on for a battle of such eternal significance and everlasting consequence without knowing it will be a fight—a good fight and a winning fight, but a fight nevertheless."

"Sure it is tough—before you join the Church, while you are trying to join, and after you have joined. That is the way it has always been, Paul says, but don’t draw back. Don’t panic and retreat. Don’t lose your confidence. Don’t forget how you once felt. Don’t distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses and Joseph Smith when the adversary confronted them, and it is what will save you."

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

"...There may come after the fact some competing doubts and confusion, but it will pale when you measure it against the real thing. Remember the real thing. Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and you got it."

"If we exert all our powers, the light will again come, the darkness will again retreat, the safety will be sure."

"After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward. Don’t fear, don’t vacillate, don’t quibble, don’t whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord is doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There’s always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, “Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!”

"I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what His plan is for us. We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to see in order to know the Lord’s will for us and to know that He loves us beyond mortal comprehension."

"Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going."

I love that man.

I don't know everything. I get answers, but don't always realize the affliction that may follow. I trust the Lord and I love him with everything I have.

He. Will. Fight for me.

A Revelation:

Sometimes...

a good
CRY
is the only thing that makes you feel better.

Sure helped me.

And We Are...

...still waiting...



...to find out...


...if I get to see...


...those livin' hills.

My patience is wearing thin.

"What is she feeling, and what is she thinking about how she feels?"

(In case you don't know what this title is referring to: click here. You won't regret it.)

THINKING.

We all do it.

Whether we want to or not.

{Think} about it. How many times do you {think} you say the word

{THINK} in a day?

How many times does someone start a sentence with:

"I think..."

or:

"I've been thinking..."

All the time.

We're taught that thinking is the key to success. In school, that's all we do. Think. How do you complete a difficult math problem (heaven forbid)? You think it through. You think through how you'll outline a paper. You plan out your day, what you'll wear, what you'll do. What is planning, really?

THINKING.

Am I wearing out the word, yet?

What I'm trying to get at here, is that thinking is like breathing. Everyone does it, even if you don't realize it's going on. You can't think about not thinking. Because you're still thinking. Think, think, think.

Here's a [thought].

What if I don't want to {think} anymore? What if I'm sick of tossing and turning at night because I can't lasso my thoughts to where I can actually do a different kind of thinking: dreaming.

At least in my dreams all I have to do is wake up, and nightmares are over. I don't have to deal with the problems anymore.

(That sounded emo and dramatic.
I'm happy, I promise.
There is sunshine in my life.)

Let's put it this way: have you seen 500 Days of Summer? (If you haven't, see it.) There is a scene in there where Tom, the main character, envisions the expectations of a particular party. When he arrives, we see those expectations directly shown next to the reality of the situation, which, as usual, is worse.

This is the problem with {thinking}.

We're left alone with our thoughts and we fantasize how we want something to be, or how we want something to turn out. We want everything to be perfect and to go as planned. We want to look someone in the face and tell them exactly what we've been {thinking}.

And it never happens.


If your nervous, someone says, "Just don't think about it."


Remember what I said?


As much as you try...{THINKING}...never stops.

Bummer.

Introducing Katie Mae

Alright, Jill tagged me in her blog. So, here are 15 unique things about me! Enjoy...


1. I love finding someone that loves a certain movie as much as I do and can quote it with me.
2. I think the most annoying thing in the world is when people know you hate something, so they do said thing CONSTANTLY.
3. I absolutely, 100%, positively, irreversibly...LOVE...being the youngest of eleven children. We're the coolest family out there, no argument.
4. I'm the only person in that huge family that hates tomatoes.
5. Through most of my teenage years I was convinced I would be a dental hygienist. Now, I can't see myself doing anything other than teaching English to moody teenagers. :)
6. I love hearing people's stories. The best times I've had in my life are times where I've just sat and talked with friends and swapped stories.
7. I miss playing the violin more than I let anyone know.
8. I don't like watching the news and I don't like politics.
9. I think it's weird how people become friends. Looking back, I can't remember how I became friends with the people I consider my best friends. Therefore, I always have this irrational fear that I won't make friends in new situations. I'm usually proven wrong.
10. I'm not a party person. I've never had that urge in my body to just go party. Sometimes I'm just perfectly content reading a book on my couch in my sweats.
11. I have never seen the movie Cinderella.
12. I'm pretty sure I have terrible self-esteem, but I'm really good at hiding it.
13. I'm fascinated with Europe. I love European culture. If everything goes as planned, I will finally get to live in Austria. You know what that means, folks? I get to cross off the #1 on my bucket list.
14. Being away from home has made me realize how cool my parents are. I have learned how much they've done for me. I have grown even closer to them by being away from them. I still rely on my mom for so many things in my life and I have NO idea what I would do without her. I'm her #1 fan.
15. Now for my classic unique fact: I ride a unicycle, and have since elementary school.


And there you have it! If you read this, and feel so inclined, repost it on your own blog!

Alles Gut

Tonight I realized that one of my life-long dreams could really come true.

I could go to Europe.

Scratch that.

I could LIVE in Europe. Austria to be exact.

Even though I've been thinking about studying abroad in Innsbruck, Austria for several months now, it didn't seem real until I started filling out the application today. It's been this idea I couldn't fully grasp--a "wouldn't that be cool" kind of thing. I mean, we're talking about ME here. Kaitlin Mae Felix. Age 19. Born and raised in Springville, Utah. Sometimes I say "mountain" without pronouncing the "T". I've never left the US, let alone left Utah for more than a week at a time. And now there is a very high possibility I could be living in Austria for 3 months?

WHAT THE WHAT?

Today I imagined myself getting off that plane and stepping onto European soil, my American-ness almost blinding those around me. I know only a few words and phrases in German, (I don't think I'll need be saying "vegetables" in most conversations, but if I do, I'm set) and my biggest fear is being the stupid American. (Note to self: Talking louder will NOT help them understand me any better. I've seen enough movies to know that.) So many questions run through my mind.

"What if I get lost?"
"What if I starve because I can't buy anything in German?"
"What if I run out of money?"

The list goes on and on. But I just have to stop and think:

"Katie. You're going to be in AUSTRIA studying a subject you LOVE. You're going to see things a lot of people will never get the chance to see in their lifetime. You're a smart, capable person that can figure things out if they go wrong. Pull...yourself...togetha!" (I don't really think that last part. It just seemed appropriate for some reason.)

I realized some things that not only pertain to me in this study abroad situation, but to life in general.

1. I am capable of attaining any goal I set.
2. Change should be welcomed and embraced.
3. When you get an opportunity that is too good to pass up, you better take it.
4. I have an incredible support system.
5. Sometimes you gotta just focus on what you know rather than what you don't. (Thanks, Brother Harding)
6. It's alright to change "the plan".

Anyway. It's not a set thing that I'm going to Austria. There is a chance I won't even get accepted. If that happens, I'll be crushed. But, you know? I'll move on. I'll still go to school and have the time of my life.

No good will ever come to me if I simply watch moments pass me by.

This will happen. If it doesn't? Well at least I tried.



[I want to go so bad it HURTS]